Limitation

Enjoy your life and
admit your limitations.
By admitting your limitations, you have already overcome your limitations.

-pat-

Lord I Give You My Heart

This is my desire, to honor You
Lord with all my heart I worship You
all I have within me
I give You praise
all that I adore is in You

Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

Thank you

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in the city.

Use DataTableReader instead of SqlDataReader

For our project, we've been using SqlDataReader as our main way of reading data from the db.

However, we found that using DataTableReader present in .NET framework 2.0 is so much faster when doing computations of any sort since the data is resigned in memory.


public DataTable getDataTable()
{
dbConnection.Open();
if (DTR != null && !DTR.IsClosed)
{
DTR.Close();
}
DataTable table = new DataTable();
dbCmd.CommandText = queryBuilder;
SqlDataAdapter da = new SqlDataAdapter(dbCmd);
da.Fill(table);
dbConnection.Close();
return table;
}

here, queryBuilder is basically a string which holds the CommandText.

Now, to get the DataTableReader.

public DataTableReader getDTReader()
{
//DTR is protected variable of type DataTableReader
if (DTR != null && !DTR.IsClosed) //Checking if it is closed or null for error prevention
{
DTR.Close();
}
DataTable DT = getDataTable();
DTR = DT.CreateDataReader();
return DTR;
}

It is also crucial to connect to the database only when needed. Connect and disconnect. If you leave the connection open for the program to use, you will notice that the connection will double and triple as the program keeps running on the background.

Choices

Choices define who we are,
and we always choose the right thing.

if we think of the statement above, we can realize that it is very true.

Choices that we make will alter our personality, our perceptions of the world, and finally it will change ourselves.

But does that mean we can change our personality based on the choices that we make?

Yes, but the fact that we always perceive our choices being always the 'right thing' it is never possible to abruptly change how we decide.

Today, I thought to myself "why did I get into this mess.." but I realized that it was my choice. It was me that brought me into here, and that I was punishing myself for it.

So my final thought is, I will not regret what I have chosen. Simple. But very hard thing to do.

Friends...

What is a friend?

When I think of a friend, I think of a person that you can lean against when you're having a hard time and a person that you can laugh with when you're having a good time.

You can be an important person amongst your friends, as they can respect you or they can relate to you.

Today, my nearest friend died.

Well, he didn't really die. But the space that he was taking inside of me was all gone.

I tried to hide it. I tried my best to act as if I was hanging out with him as usual. But no..I couldn't. He wasn't there anymore. He was a different person to me. He wasn't the same.


He was my best friend and my only friend. Someone that I always look forward to hang out with when I have free time. He was always a relaxed and lean person. That's why I liked him, because whenever I went over to his crib, he made me feel like I had no worries and everything's alright. Yes, everything's fine...everything's fine...everything's fine..and back to reality... The notion that everything's fine has always brought me back to him. It made me feel good about myself, and I had a way of escaping the reality, harsh reality that always tells me that I'm actually piece of shit.

We became close, so close that we knew exactly what we did, what we're doing, and what we'll be doing. We were like brothers in a sense that we always looked out for each other and sympathized and empathized in any way possible to make the other person feel better.

He was into drugs. I guess that was his way of escaping reality. I had no questions about it. Instead, I encouraged him to do it. If a person has no way of getting the stress out of his body, that person would soon be crazy. He is a lonely person. He is an adapted kid who is being raised in a polite but uncarrying family who shows that they're looking out for him but they make it clear who is their blooded and who's not. He wants to get away, but he can't as he has no powers in himself. That's what drugs do for him. Drugs made him accept the fact that it is ok to live his life like this, it is ok that his life is flowing like this, and most importantly it is ok to ruin himself like this.

Few days ago, I have seen him lie. He never lied to me before. We had no embarrasement and no shame so we told each other everything about ourselves. But couple days ago, he lied to me about him shooting heroin. And he did it in front of me. Many times. I told him not to do it. I tried telling him so many things in a way that he does not get mad. But he did it.

I asked him "If you could be the same person, then I really don't care if you do it or not." He promised me he would be the same person. Then he did it again.

I watched him. I saw him sinking to his seat and not understanding what I'm saying, not knowing what is going on, not knowing I am there, not knowing where he is, and....not making me feel better about myself.

I decided to leave. I said bye. He didn't respond. I said bye again. He didn't respond. Then I left.
While I was driving home, tears started to fall. Why? Is it because the fact that he does extreme drugs now? Is it because I can't hang out with him anymore? I still don't know, but it was the first time I cried for a friend in a long time. I didn't get 'good bye,' or 'I will see you tomorrow' or 'good luck at work' or 'it was fun hanging out with you' Instead, I got a look of him just passed out.

I came back to check on him..because I really thought that he died or something. He was alive, but he was already dead in me.

I once asked him. Would you choose drugs or friends? He could not answer...I now feel that that was an unfair question. And my answer? I choose friends. I value friendship so much more than anything, because friendship, when gone, will never come back. But other things that you think you value a lot, they will come back whenever you want. I'm going to stop seeing him. Not permanantely, but until he gets better..when he can be the person that I can tell stories about my hardships again, I will see him again.

I started to have regrets of our friendship. Trust me, I never had regrets of meeting him. Never. Not once.

I started to cry when I came into my work place and my manager asked me why. I could not reply to his question. I was embarrassed to tell him. Then I knew that I was falling apart. That this friendship will not last longer than I thought.

He always asks me about why I live my life as a christian. Truthfully, I don't know anything about Christianity. I don't know if I believe in Christianity or not. I told him my answer. "When you can't do anything about something, God is someone that you turn to." But, what I couldn't tell him was..it's because of you. Because..I pray for him. Because..I can't do anything to help him, and all I can do is "God, please help my friend get a start on his life. He has so much potentials.."


My best friend, I will wait for you. I really hope that we can be sitting on the porch again and talk about life. You were truly my buddy and I won't forget you man. Like I told you many times, you're worth so much more than this man.

Rest in Peace.

Patrick.